Day One 3:55pm: Leaving LA Alone

Travel / Saturday, June 25th, 2016
Leaving Los Angeles is usually a fun thing to do, but usually that has been because I’ve had someone with me. Someplace to go. I’ve traveled to SF, read, then turned around and came home the same day. I’ve met friends. I came out as trans in San Francisco. I was taught how to verbalize quavers and semiquavers “ta-ta-titititi-ta-titi-ta-ta-i.”  I was in love on this road. but it was always on or through.  This time, the whole point is to actually be on this road. That is different. And the other thing different is how alone I am.

I am completely, utterly alone in this world right now. I have friends, and maybe futures… And people I want to know better… But in the present, the life I thought I was going to have is gone. Gone. This I-5 conference has been a dream of mine for years. A pet project–and this year I was finally going to do it–but it was supposed to be a place for sharing. Right now I just feel desolate.

Still I have yummy food and cute stuffed animals. And I know this is still a good idea. I think to myself, I need to do this. And besides, it might turn out okay. It can turn out fine. Passing Magic Mountain. Our first date. Heading up the Grapevine, remembering how things fell bad one drive just over the top. Good mixes with bad good with bad…

And in all this, there is a conference I am to be doing… There is a reason to be on the road, There is a reason I am bringing this writing on the road. I am a writer. I am queer. I am wondering if we need an institution to pursue our work. A place. Or can writing validate and accredit itself, even on this highway.

And in all this, I am laughing at the thought of driving through my problems. My loneliness. Once I thought the drive from LA to SF was vast and broad enough to lose myself utterly. But love has a way of shortening that distance, and even when broken, the perspective, the familiarity, remains.